LA (and Beyond) PSA: We’re Regressing As A Species and Women are Animals.

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Yes you heard me. And you’ll understand shortly what I mean and why I’m right. I feel that because I have the gift of the written word, and I went so far as to purchase a domain name, create a brand, pay for business cards, a website design, and much much more… that it is my civic duty to bring certain things to your attention. Of course most of which with the good city of Los Angeles in mind, but I’m aware of the fact that my little blog reaches much further out into the world than this little California town (hey New York! Hey Europe!). So with all that in mind we need to talk. It’s a topic and discussion that should have little to no debate… so LADIES… STOP ACTING LIKE FUCKING ANIMALS IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

Ok, so that was harsh. Let’s break this down gently: before the days of toilet seat covers and Dyson hand dryers there was a certain amount of respect paid to public place, particularly public restrooms. Rarely did you find toilet paper (and other products…)on the ground, pee on and around the toilet, or any indication there had ever been another human there before you. These days the ladies room is the first tell-tale sign that we are beginning to regress and full-blown ‘epically fail’ as a species. The ladies room tells me we’ve lost respect for public place, we’ve lost respect for property, and biggest problem yet: we’ve lost respect for each other and especially OURSELVES. Now. Men are certainly not excluded. And I’m not saying all of us our like this, in fact I’m almost positive most of you reading this are in total agreement! You probably don’t pee on floors! And if you accidentally “sprinkle while you tinkle” (here we go) you are probably a “sweetie who wipes the seatie” right?? But you too have walked into a restroom with 4-6 stalls, and had to push door after door like freakin Goldie Locks to find the saddest yet most agreeable toilet to use… one. too. many. times.

I don’t know what we good clean respectful women to do fix this situation, but I’ve come up with a list of a few simple things that every women, every person, should keep in mind in regards to restroom etiquette. It’s simple, it’s straight forward, and if you are a conscious human being it’s completely AGREEABLE. But lets say you don’t agree… fortunately for the .00001% of you there’s some monkeys in a jungle somewhere that just love flinging poop whom I’m sure would gladly accept you in to their poop flingin’, bug eatin’ family.

1. “If you sprinkle while you tinkle be a sweetie wipe the seatie.” I mean… really. You leave your pee on a public seat = you are nasty. Why would you just leave it on the toilet? Hey newsflash, especially if you’re in LA, grab that seat cover there for your hygiene convenience!

2. Don’t pee on the floor. How ’bout don’t leave anything on the floor. If you missed the toilet… God help you.

3. If you enter a single person stall and there are others waiting…. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT LOLLYGAG. Seriously what is that?? There’s one god damn bathroom at a bar, at a Starbucks, or in an airplane (the worst), there’s CLEARLY others waiting, and that person ahead of you is just turning the water on an off, watching paint dry, flossing their teeth, checking their phone, doing push-ups, FUCKING NAPPING who knows! The best is what I call a Double Offender: a lollygagger AND a seat pee-er. There’s also a Trifecta Offender: a lollygagger, seat-pee-er (up or down), AND a present giver. You can only imagine what I mean by that.

4. The most important rule to keep in mind: leave the restroom like you were never there. What a challenge.

I wish I could say I haven’t experienced any of the above first hand… but I have. Too many times. Most of us have, and that is what is really sad. I want to have faith in humanity, I want our species to succeed in this world! There are so many ways in which we can begin to restore faith, perhaps starting with the simple small stuff like, oh I don’t know, looking both ways (and looking up from your phone) when you walk into a freakin street, waiting until you find a trashcan to dump your fast food in instead of sprinkling it all over the street like you’re doing it a favor (you lazy bastard), and not acting like a dirty animal in public places: especially public restrooms. No one wants to use public bathrooms as it is, so could we just tryyy to make it a more pleasant experience all around? Instead of one that may result in depression, loss of appetite, and anger?

Here’s the answer Los Angeles and the rest of the world. Yes. Yes we can. – wipe, flush, wash, bye.

Rant. Over.

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