The question this week:
I’ve been dating a guy for over 2 months now, I’ve even met his mother. When the awkward “what are we” question arose, his reply was vague, all I got was “I’m not seeing anyone else”… how long am I supposed to wait for an official title before it might be time to move on?
Ugh. Commitment. Cant live with it can’t live without it. But dammit does it drive us crazy when we’re not feeling on the same page as the person we’re seeing! There’s nothing that shakes your insecurities like wondering and worrying about if they’re into you as much as you are into them. It’s a tough topic to chat about, let alone chat about in a carefree nonchalant manner, but if it doesn’t seem implied and you wanna know, you’re going to have to bring about the topic in conversation. Approaching the “what are we” question is a challenge in of itself, you have to balance feeling vulnerable expressing your feelings all the while trying to play it as cool as possible to avoid freaking your friend out. Playing it cool and finding the right moment is incredibly important, but I always say you’ll know when to bring it up (trust me you will, don’t rush it). Once you do (good work you made it past the hardest part), but you don’t exactly get the answer you want, as expressed above, well then what are you supposed to do now?? So your plan just went a little wonky and perhaps you’re feeling a little embarrassed and vulnerable. Don’t let that get in the way of keeping a level head and remaining confident, the wrong answer doesn’t always mean this is the end. There’s some things to keep in mind though.
Lets start with giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, he may simply need more time to feel ready to settle – 2 months can feel like a really small amount of time when it comes to people getting into relationships. In this particular situation ambiguity and lack of communication seems to be the issue, “I’m not seeing anyone else” is an answer but it’s not exactly definitive nor is it at all comforting. My advice would be to gauge the next few weeks (months even, depending on your own comfort level) and get a feel for whether or not things seem to be naturally progressing; are you going on more dates, are you talking regularly throughout the day, are you staying over at each others places more, etc. As I said, the wrong, ambiguous answer doesn’t always mean the end, it’s good you’ve put your feelings out there and let the other person know you might be ready to move forward! But, after those few weeks (months), if things seem to stay stagnant and you don’t feel as though you are organically moving forward that’s when it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
A big part of any successful relationship is leaving no room (or very little room) for question; working on being honest with your needs from the beginning of the relationship is important. Labeling the relationship is a huge step, but feeling on the same page about it may not come as quickly as you’d prefer. Good things take time but not too much time. Of course when it comes to relationships we’re all different (2 months can be like 2 years for some people) – listen to your gut, understand and express your needs and respect the fact that your date, friend, crush may have their own, different timeline and needs. Bottom line is though, if he continues to be ambiguous, the fun starts to dissipate, and you start stressing (the bad kind of stress), it’s most certainly time to move on. You deserve open communication and relationship security and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with settling for nothing less than ideal and working hard to find it.
Have a question or topic you’d like to be discussed? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org